Author: admin

Everyone feels lonely, weather it be situational, losing a partner, prehaps no close family, new town, maybe your thoughts or beliefs are different making you feel different. So, what about when you have a partner, you have family, children and yet you still feel lonely?  As I continue to understand my feelings and self-heal, I hear things that really resonates with me, this one about being lonely really hit come “one of the key-maybe the key- to happiness is the strong connections to other people. The lack of these bonds, even temporarily, is a major happiness stumbling block. “

Being a middle child loneliness is something I felt early on in life. For me it’s always been the “I’m different loneliness”. Things i believed in that others don’t, or sometimes weren’t even willing to have an understanding , it’s the important things to me that can make me feel isolated. When you have friends or family that believe in only their opinions it can make you doubt whether they are being truly well-intended, kind or even willing to be understanding towards you. You have family and friends that you just don’t quite trust. That lack of trust will branch out to everything else. It will make you doubt yourself.

 My loneliness stems way back to being a little girl. My entire life being a middle child had actually made me feel very isolated. Always trying to catch up, trying to find my place. It was easy for my sisters; one was the oldest and the other the baby, they had clear definition. It made me often left feeling isolated or feeling rejected. I found this article that had some really good points….actually it made me cry… hard..… “I can’t make my family walk beside me, so, to be with them, I surrender to walking behind them. It’s the same love either way. The choice for isolation would be not walking with my family at all, and I want more than that. While I still feel separate, I’m not isolated.” … I cried because I could see myself as a little girl and as a grow woman doing this very thing… just wanting to be close so I would take the feeling of being separate walking behind rather than isolating myself all together, for at least I would have something, feel something.

As an adult I am trying to learn acceptance. Being the bigger person… ugh.. this is hard, it feels like surrendering. But I’m learning it is not surrendering its more like going with the flow of it for self preservation. I will not surrender because that would in some way make it a victory for them. But this isn’t a game, it’s not about that, it’s about accepting one another for just who they are, it’s to not put judgement onto anyone. Surrendering would be taking all meaning of your feelings away.  So, I say to thee:

“I accept you; hurtful person for who you are. All your flaws and hurtfulness. I will take whatever poor connection we have instead of using my energy to build a wall for you I will use my energy once spent to hide you to create positive things. In hopes that one day you will accept the person I am. I will not judge you as I hope you will not judge me.”

Practicing acceptance is loving of the toughest kind. I am working on stopping the attempt to force my family to connect in the way I want and rather just accept what connection, big or small there is. The energy I have spent or spend trying to get what I need it taking away from where that energy can be well used.

The “Truth”…

Growing up with a single mom was hard, it was hard on her and on us. She was lonely and took comfort in the religion she had found. I was born into this religion and knew no different. I enjoyed the friendships I made, I enjoyed learning new things about creation itself. I even enjoyed teaching others about what I was learning, it made me feel useful and heard, that is until I got older. My mother always called it speaking about the truth… the truth… I never really thought much about that statement, just that it was the truth I knew, the truth I was taught. …

Note:  The rest of what I talk about here should have no bad reflection on my mother she did the best she could with what she knew. I also have no hard feelings towards those who still practice this religion and may be lost themselves. “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”

As humans we seek truth, meaning, understanding and something to define us. When we lose our way, we seek a path. The path we choose depends greatly on the state of mind we are in. If our souls are emotionally scared and desperately seeking acceptance, we may not always think through what we accept. My mother lost her mother at a very young age, she was sent into foster care and although she was in a home with loving foster parents, they never adopted her as their own. My mother is 62 years old now and has never stopped seeking her truth, her meaning, acceptance. I feel like she was always afraid to find her truth, so she took on other truths, others belief. She let others think for her, define her.  She had found something that gave her hope, gave her purpose, gave her a family and for that she can never be faulted. She was not opened minded. My entire life growing up in this religion she always said, “make the truth your own”, she never meant that though. What she meant was make it your own as long as you do what you are told, yeah, I know makes no sense. When I would question things, want clear answers it was always the same answer “that is the way it is, don’t you listen we are at the meetings they talk about the truth” …. The truth of what though?? The truth was to listen, to follow, to study, to stay away from all world influences, not to question to much… My mom telling me these things made me desire more to find out what I had been kept from. Let me talk about the truths I learned when i opened my eyes.

First i am not sure, nor do i truly think anyone knows the right path, but i have learned that everyone has a different path and that is becomes your right path.  Growing up I often felt very lost. Within that religion If you questioned it to far then you were having “apostate” thinking. How is seeking more clear answers being an apostate?  Perhaps they don’t know it means to reject Christianity, I was doing no such thing I was simply seeking more understanding. I feel now that it was a way to put fear into us, it was the worst thing to be called an apostate. But despite these things I kept asking questions, the more they were redirected or rejected pushed me further away. I continued to go to this place to make my mom happy, but the more I observed the more I questioned. There were many things I agreed with and still do, it was not all bad. It molded me into an empathetic person, I learned great acts of love, kindness and strength in friendships. But being raised to be as perfect as a human can be it gave me great fear, anxiety and low self-esteem. The Fear came from always believing that you could so easily be corrupted by bad influences and then you would lose your chance to live forever. Anxiety from the fear, the constant  look out for bad and how to avoid it. Instead of living in the moment you always looked in front of you and the possible bad things. My mom was always worried about what others would think of her and us. She became mean from the fear she had. She never seemed proud of us no matter what we did, no matter what we achieved. I think to this day she was embarrassed of me. I challenged her by thinking for myself, I was not like the “elders” daughters. Our parents feared us when we were less then what they wanted. When you did extreme things against rule then you were dis-fellowshipped and was no longer allowed to associate with anyone that was still in the “truth”. Let me tell you this was what made me ultimately stop going. These people who have committed these acts of wrong need help, they don’t need pushed away!Those “bad” things did not define them.  I can not and will not believe that this is handled right. It made so many fell deeper in their faults, deeper into depression and further from where our parents wanted us to be. Worse yet they would announce this to the entire congregation so that everyone was aware. This led to unfair judgement by others, it led to family’s falling apart and other to question everything. In my opinion what should happen is announce that someone needs extra love, someone needs guidance, hug them, visit them. I associated with many after they were dis-fellowshipped and all of them were broken. They had developed hate, resentment…. Many were lost trying to find their way because they knew no other truth then what we were taught. So, we all have had rocky paths. Paths that we have gotten lost on many of times.  We have made some bad choices that led to bad consequences. We have a hard time connecting with people simply because they do not understand the anxiety of living in fear of the world ending constantly. I envy them, they can live in the moment, I have never been able to accomplish that in all the years since I left. I have low self-esteem, never feeling like I am good enough, I am always worried if I am pleasing others and that they are pleased with me, or proud of me. I am always afraid I will lose the ones I love the most. I seek acceptance. I do believe god exist, there is certainly a higher power then us. I gave birth to two amazing humans that filled my heart with what only could be the greatest love created and was gifted two heart children as well. The truth I live today is very different from the “truth” I lived growing up. I live to give my heart to others, when my children ask, I help them find the answer, when they fault, I greet them with love and understanding, I guide them. I teach them about the world around them and how to care for it, how to care for others and how to care for themselves. My truth is not perfect, seeking it may never end. But I will keep my eyes open, my heart strong and continue down my path of life. I am 35 years and spend every day seeking my truth. “I have decided to stick to love…Hate is too great a burden to bear.”

Wearing your heart on your sleeve

… you’re exposed, you’re raw, you feel it all and sometimes all at once. It is not easy living with your heart on your sleeve. In fact, at times it can be painful. It’s the easiest way to damage the most vital part of you. I have always been sensitive. My heart always being the first to show up and most stubborn to leave. Being exposed to feeling all the time meant a lot of hurt. Every hurt meant a stab at my self-esteem.  I often feel unworthy, even un-loved. I have so many good things around me, yet I have this endless cycle of self-hate. When I was younger my life was driven by what my heart felt and would often leave my brain behind and the rational thoughts it could provide. It can be downright exhausting the battles they have. I feel more than others it’s a special part of me that I was gifted. I have learned to use it, to love endlessly to those deserving. Even when it is exhausting to care so much it will always be a a part of me and always worth it. I see the world through different eyes. I love people at their weakest moments and i’m OK with the energy they steal from me. Its all part of my purpose.

As I’ve grown in age, I realize that, yes, I am a vulnerable person, but I am starting to find joy in my stories, even the hardships… because through it all I held tight to love, to Hope. Even if the cover is worn, the edges are wrinkled, its still my story. Through the pain I still allowed myself to dream, even though the nightmares I would search the flowers in the weeds just to see the brightness of their color. I often love the things that are forgotten, the broken. I tend to look at everything with hopeful eyes. My heart cry’s for others pain. Dream’s for others wants. I Will carry the burden to weight you down less.  For those I love, they get the best of me, they get it all. I will continue to wear my heart on my sleeve and make my mark on the world. I will continue to smile for those who can’t, cry for those who won’t, love where it is needed. If I deny these things, I would be denying who I am.

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over, instead of craving control over what you don’t.”

I struggle everyday with this, I give others to much power over the way I feel. But everyday I am closer to having freedom from the power they have over me. When you are a empathetic  person, a person that feels everyone’s emotions, you tend to carry a heavy burden. You tend to lose yourself in it all, the worry for others souls is extreme. People often tell me I am a special kind of soul. I have learned to agree with that statement. There is no way that I would of been born with this sort of soul if it didn’t have purpose. I have felt for many years that there must be something wrong with me because there are not many people like me. My mom, she gave me this gift. She is an amazing soul, she to feels others emotions. She would do anything to help anyone even a total stranger. We struggled growing up, we were poor, she was a single mom and there was a lot trials to overcome. Through it all she always helped others, showing love in the ways she knew how. She may not of had anything material to give but she would give her all, all her energy, all her love into whatever she was doing.

With saying all this I have watched what others will do to your spirit if you give them the power.  She has given them the power for so long that she has lost herself, she has become bitter and sad. This did not happen because she is a different soul, it happen because others used her to make themselves stronger, leaving her exhausted and lost. I have noticed some of the same patterns within myself. I have decided to take the power back. I know very well that patterns are hard to break, but I will do this. I will put my energy in those who deserve it and are present. I will give my love to those who will carry it and pass it on to those who need it. I will help build my mom back up. She will once again smile and be able to give her gift of love to those who deserve it. I realize that there will be ones that were once close to me that will not be present. .. and well, that is OK. I will continue to hope for them but they will no longer conceal my heart, share my energy or effect the gift I given.

One day at a time.. one healing hug at a time..a gesture of kindness  a day and the thoughts that haunt me with worry will start to fade and I will have my power back.

Words can have so much power, they can hurt, heal,  and even completely change a persons out look on their life. Knowing the power words have had on me in the past I always pay close attention to whats being said. Analyzing every word spoken. I do it to the degree that at times I misconstrued things and create chaos in my head.  But often I find that words spoken directly or indirectly to me will have the power I allow them to have. This is something I have had to learn and still learning. Everyday I tell myself that only the positive is allowed to affect me…. often I fail at this. For too many years I allowed people’s words to pierce my soul, to change the very person I was. I was giving them power, the very power they were going for by holding on to those words. Until my husband walked into my life I never really had a voice, I never had the ability to fight back against the power those words had. Now a days it is much easy to filter through the words that are meaningless or perhaps  are just coming from a damaged soul that does not know the errors in their way. I recently realized just how much power I could take back if I just listened.. this is where the words of a stranger come in. Being a Heart mom is probably one of the  hardest challenges I have ever encountered. It effects everything about you, you will have feelings of love, happiness, doubt, anger, joy, confusion, resentment and pride all in one loop of a moment. I had been feeling very down about things. I fight constantly the feelings of why they are so drawn to their mom when she choose to give them up, and she gets all the glory while I am raising her children and doing all the hard stuff. Why was she so much cooler to them then me when I am always trying to go the extra mile. Why did I have so much resentment towards their mom for having a life and children with my husband?  Was that normal or was I a weirdo?  I would feel anger when she would show up for her visitation and she would be so happy and cheerful, like she didn’t have a care in the world, and i’m over here carrying all the stress. I was tucking her kids in bed every night and answering the hard questions and soothing their confused little souls. I was getting no time with my husband because I had to step in where she lacked. Battling through all those thoughts with love for your family, love for all four of your children was very difficult. It has effected my self esteem, feeling not worthy. My husband told me over and over how grateful he was for me in their life and the motherly love I showed them. How he would tell me that our relationship is worlds apart from the one he had with their mother.. . but I couldn’t help but think that he was lying, how could he be so amazing to me and not of been to her? These sort of thoughts consumed me. Then one day at work I received a call from a person whom I have talked to over the phone hundreds of times in the last 7 years and had only met once in person.  We worked together on a software program. We had talked many of times about family and current events and such. Our conversations typically happen only when we had software issues or updates… so when he called I was bit surprised. The stranger has some years on me, much wiser and always gave me good advice. This day he would start off by saying, “I don’t want you to think i’m crazy but I have a message for you” My first thought was “oh boy” but I continued to listen.  He stated that he had a dream about a man that came to him and told him to call me and tell me these things.. “you are a special, unique person. Your heart is good. Give everything time and it will work out. The children are only running towards their mom to seek what they don’t get from her. That I am a good mom and things will get better. ” Now let me tell you I was speechless for a moment. I had never had this happen to me before. It changed my thinking in that instant. What I had secretly been struggling with was just put into terms I could understand it. Words, that was all that was said and it changed so much for me. I felt stronger.

Listen to the words of a stranger… they could change everything.

Thieves of the soul:

“ So lean into your broken heart. Your transition. Your rebirth. Your new beginning. Your resistance. Let go of what you need to let go. Forgive who you need to forgive. Face your dragon. Squash your judgment. Toss your blueprints. Hold on to your dreams. And keep moving forward. Even if you’re crawling. Because if you’re moving, you’re alive and if you’re alive you’re on your journey.”

A mind that has been warped to believe you are not good enough and deserve the pain you are receiving will deceive you, your heart will feel like a fool. You are no longer able to make the decisions needed to make your way.  I’ve learned these are necessary feelings to go through to learn strength and free yourself. Everything was falling apart around me, I was suffering in silence, my children where suffering. It was time. I no longer had tears to cry, was to numb to feel the pain and was tired of pretending. I believe in God, so I prayed that he would help me out. Although I think he did help me to stand up to my fear, I think I choose the wrong path, and lessons later would prove to still be learned…… 10 years of being lost I was about to take a detour I was not prepared for….   Beware as you try to find yourself others can see this as a weakness, they will prey on you. They will put roadblocks directing you off your path to fulfill their needs, their journey. These types I call thieves of the soul. They are ones that are hurt and damaged as well and go around collecting others souls just to satisfy them even if for a moment.

There I was searching for my way to end that chapter of my life, looking for that sign, the path. Like I said, I think I choose the wrong one. Let me explain..  In the midst of leaving the kids dad, living in my sisters basement trying to get my life together, trying to heal… he entered my life. We will call him “VI” . He was a master at manipulation as I would soon find out.  I was broken and starving for attention.. He knew that and he gave it to me. I felt important to him. The kids dad was continuing to try and make my life a living hell. With “VI” around I felt less alone in it all. He hated him as much as did it in some odd way that made me feel good. I eventually found a job, a home and things were looking up. “VI” was constantly changing jobs and I was the main provider in the relationship. Things went down hill fast. The trust was gone before it was establish. He became a place holder. I continued to grow in life and he was always two steps behind me. it became a co-dependent relationship, I depended on him to fill my loneliness and he depended on me for everything. He began to disappear, steal from me and little by little my life became a wreak again. I once again was on my knees begging for away out, for god to take the wheel and set me on the path he intended for me in the first place. It would take 8 months to get my answer. I had to endure a couple hours of terrifying horror within my home. Although I was left bruised, my house was damaged and my fear was more alive than ever I was free.  I had to remember that prayers are not always answered in the way we would think or expect, but I believe that he knew it was the only way I would be free from him forever. Of course as life would have it the trouble with “VI” did not stop. I had a restraining order against  him and still he would break into my home, sleep under my windows, call me constantly, and steal from me. .. the worst part is he took away my security and replaced it with pure fear. I was a prisoner in my own home. I feared even going home. I feared going out. He was a thieve of my soul. Time will heal all things if you let it. I was ready to take back my soul. I allowed two people by that point in my life to have a piece of my soul. No more. It was over. I started to find ways to fight back the fear. I never drove the same way home, I focused in on my kids. I started to focus in on myself and take care of me. I was gaining mental strength. I decided it was time to start making friends and perhaps meet someone new.. that is when my prayer came full circle.

“Self-discovery requires getting lost. That’s how we learn about ourselves, who we are, what we are meant to give, who we’re supposed to meet, what we’re supposed to learn from them, and where we’re supposed to go. That’s how we become. If life went exactly as we planned or wanted, we wouldn’t change because we wouldn’t need to. And that isn’t life”

This one is going to be a long one, so I will break it up… Here is part one I suppose… I read this article where it was talking about being meant to lose yourself because that’s how we find ourselves… I never realized how much truth there is to that statement. It said to go through an exercise of finding the power in those fails. So here I go…

First the fails……

I lost my self when I married at 17

I lost myself when I birthed my first child at 19, and again when I birthed my second child at 23

I lost my self when I got divorced

I lost my self when I was in a toxic relationship after divorce

17 & married:  Yes, this happen, my mom really signed off for me to marry a guy I had only been dating for a month. He promised me and her the world. The big words for me “move with me to Texas”. I did not love him, I knew that. I loved the idea of a new life. He was going into the military and the only way I could go was to get married, I figured “why not?” I had always known that I would leave my home town. I had always dreamed of traveling the world. Texas was not the world, but it was a way out. The first lesson I learned, people are really good at not being themselves. It was not even a couple weeks and I knew the mistake I had made. This was not my person… He was not my soulmate, he was not even my friend. He was selfish, angry and abusive with his words and eventually with his hands. I started a job as a waitress and started to put away enough tips to where he might not notice to save up to leave. The plan took a very different path when I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor with a positive pregnancy test. Yeah, I know, why didn’t you prevent this and blah, blah… well to be blunt I was married to a heavy drinker who did not take my request into consideration. Who would use me to get what he needed without thought of consequence. Anyway….. there I was alone with a life changing stick in my hand. What was I going to do? I had come from a broken family and I had always said I was not going to put my kids through that. Maybe he would change if he knew there was a little life on the way?  Maybe he would look at me with kinder eyes. Second lesson, you, nor a baby can change anyone.  And he didn’t… that first baby I lost, I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. My heart was broken for the loss of that life, but I thought to myself everything happens for a reason. Perhaps it was the way out… nope I no way out…  two months later I was pregnant again. This time I found myself on the kitchen floor crying to my best friend trying to find an answer. My life was now being turned over to another life… My first-born child.

First Born – She was born in the fall of 2003 and forever changed my life. I had lost myself, so I could help her find her way. I was a young mommy, we had to grow together.  I grew strength because of her, I discovered what real love felt like. She made me see the world in a way I didn’t know exist. She helped me see that losing my way was what lead me to her.  She reminded me every day of why I was there, right there in that moment being her mommy. It was major part of my self-discovery. Sure, maybe I didn’t get to travel the world anymore or draw at a coffee shop… but I had a more important role to fill. She depended on me to protect her and guide her into her own self-discovery.  Here dad and I continued to have problems, I tried to hide them from her. It didn’t always work well. Once her dad came back from Iraq he insisted that we have another child because our baby girl was not close to him. Hence, he left when she was 4 months and returned when she was 18 months. He promised a baby would make him different, calmer, would save it all. The children were a great distraction from his terrible ways. They filled my soul and made me feel important and wanted. I didn’t want my girl to grow up without a sibling so I read all the books I could on how to conceive a boy so that I wouldn’t have to do it again.. In the fall of 2006 her brother was born. I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday. It was a very euphoric moment, I hated his dad by that point and it was as if only the baby and I existed in that room. I was not going to let his dad steal another moment from me. The next three years with their dad would prove to be the most damaging and most life changing for all of us. I would lose myself even further in trying to keep my children on their path without falling off my own. Every day trying to hold on to the small bit of myself I could find so that I could keep going. My babies they were it… they were my path. They are why I lost my way, because their journey needed me in it.

Being a Heartmom….

Many ask me how I do it, four kids in the home… 0_o!! Its simple I love them all. I refer to my step children as my heart children, I do not like to reference step anything. They grew in my heart; therefore, I am their heart mom and they are my heart children.

It is not all peaches and cream. It has been a real struggle at times. Being a parent to your birth children is natural, its rewarding in every way, doesn’t come with a rule book or performance check that is monitored by a panel of judges constantly checking what your motives are. You are not free to love. I have felt anger from the lack of control we seem to have over our own lives. I have felt Powerless, and worse voiceless. I have all the responsibility and grief of parenting my heart children, but few of the pleasures you get from being a mom.

You feel more like the girl in class that did everything to make your team project the best, you did all the research, created the presentation, stayed up all night making sure it was perfect while your class mates are out having fun… and then the big day to present your project to the whole school comes, you feel so proud of what you have done and all in one moment she,…she the popular girl, that didn’t help at all steps up and takes the credit . You don’t even get noticed, just a person on the sidelines.  The crowd cheers for her and she smiles and bows excepting all the recognition. I did all the hard work and see got the reward. She got the easy A.

The reality of this was hard for me, it still is. I am doing everything as a mother should but not getting recognized for it. There have been times I have almost given up. I felt cheated from my dreams.  But I always go back to my thought of that maybe I am in their lives for their benefit and not them for mine.

The purpose of my presence in their life come to fruition about a year ago. My Husband & I obtained custody of them due to their mom’s inability to make smart choices in her life.  It was one of the hardest transitions for all of us. But no one had it as hard as my heart children did. They were in a state of confusion, pain and sadness. I quickly gained their trust and would set many nights helping them through their emotions. Teaching them how to pray.  I am a very empathic person and it proved to be a great load for me to carry. It slowly broke me down as well. My Husband stepped up and often carried my emotions so that I could carry theirs. We are coming up on a year that they have been in our home and everyday proves to teach us something new. We have gotten through it as a family. We are stronger, closer and more understanding of one another. My husband and I have gained so much from all of this and our bond is stronger then ever. There are many years ahead of us that will indeed have its challenges, but our purpose will be fulfilled for all of our children for that was put in our hands, and together we will not fail.