The “Truth”…
Growing up with a single mom was hard, it was hard on her and on us. She was lonely and took comfort in the religion she had found. I was born into this religion and knew no different. I enjoyed the friendships I made, I enjoyed learning new things about creation itself. I even enjoyed teaching others about what I was learning, it made me feel useful and heard, that is until I got older. My mother always called it speaking about the truth… the truth… I never really thought much about that statement, just that it was the truth I knew, the truth I was taught. …
Note: The rest of what I talk about here should have no bad reflection on my mother she did the best she could with what she knew. I also have no hard feelings towards those who still practice this religion and may be lost themselves. “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”
As humans we seek truth, meaning, understanding and something to define us. When we lose our way, we seek a path. The path we choose depends greatly on the state of mind we are in. If our souls are emotionally scared and desperately seeking acceptance, we may not always think through what we accept. My mother lost her mother at a very young age, she was sent into foster care and although she was in a home with loving foster parents, they never adopted her as their own. My mother is 62 years old now and has never stopped seeking her truth, her meaning, acceptance. I feel like she was always afraid to find her truth, so she took on other truths, others belief. She let others think for her, define her. She had found something that gave her hope, gave her purpose, gave her a family and for that she can never be faulted. She was not opened minded. My entire life growing up in this religion she always said, “make the truth your own”, she never meant that though. What she meant was make it your own as long as you do what you are told, yeah, I know makes no sense. When I would question things, want clear answers it was always the same answer “that is the way it is, don’t you listen we are at the meetings they talk about the truth” …. The truth of what though?? The truth was to listen, to follow, to study, to stay away from all world influences, not to question to much… My mom telling me these things made me desire more to find out what I had been kept from. Let me talk about the truths I learned when i opened my eyes.
First i am not sure, nor do i truly think anyone knows the right path, but i have learned that everyone has a different path and that is becomes your right path. Growing up I often felt very lost. Within that religion If you questioned it to far then you were having “apostate” thinking. How is seeking more clear answers being an apostate? Perhaps they don’t know it means to reject Christianity, I was doing no such thing I was simply seeking more understanding. I feel now that it was a way to put fear into us, it was the worst thing to be called an apostate. But despite these things I kept asking questions, the more they were redirected or rejected pushed me further away. I continued to go to this place to make my mom happy, but the more I observed the more I questioned. There were many things I agreed with and still do, it was not all bad. It molded me into an empathetic person, I learned great acts of love, kindness and strength in friendships. But being raised to be as perfect as a human can be it gave me great fear, anxiety and low self-esteem. The Fear came from always believing that you could so easily be corrupted by bad influences and then you would lose your chance to live forever. Anxiety from the fear, the constant look out for bad and how to avoid it. Instead of living in the moment you always looked in front of you and the possible bad things. My mom was always worried about what others would think of her and us. She became mean from the fear she had. She never seemed proud of us no matter what we did, no matter what we achieved. I think to this day she was embarrassed of me. I challenged her by thinking for myself, I was not like the “elders” daughters. Our parents feared us when we were less then what they wanted. When you did extreme things against rule then you were dis-fellowshipped and was no longer allowed to associate with anyone that was still in the “truth”. Let me tell you this was what made me ultimately stop going. These people who have committed these acts of wrong need help, they don’t need pushed away!Those “bad” things did not define them. I can not and will not believe that this is handled right. It made so many fell deeper in their faults, deeper into depression and further from where our parents wanted us to be. Worse yet they would announce this to the entire congregation so that everyone was aware. This led to unfair judgement by others, it led to family’s falling apart and other to question everything. In my opinion what should happen is announce that someone needs extra love, someone needs guidance, hug them, visit them. I associated with many after they were dis-fellowshipped and all of them were broken. They had developed hate, resentment…. Many were lost trying to find their way because they knew no other truth then what we were taught. So, we all have had rocky paths. Paths that we have gotten lost on many of times. We have made some bad choices that led to bad consequences. We have a hard time connecting with people simply because they do not understand the anxiety of living in fear of the world ending constantly. I envy them, they can live in the moment, I have never been able to accomplish that in all the years since I left. I have low self-esteem, never feeling like I am good enough, I am always worried if I am pleasing others and that they are pleased with me, or proud of me. I am always afraid I will lose the ones I love the most. I seek acceptance. I do believe god exist, there is certainly a higher power then us. I gave birth to two amazing humans that filled my heart with what only could be the greatest love created and was gifted two heart children as well. The truth I live today is very different from the “truth” I lived growing up. I live to give my heart to others, when my children ask, I help them find the answer, when they fault, I greet them with love and understanding, I guide them. I teach them about the world around them and how to care for it, how to care for others and how to care for themselves. My truth is not perfect, seeking it may never end. But I will keep my eyes open, my heart strong and continue down my path of life. I am 35 years and spend every day seeking my truth. “I have decided to stick to love…Hate is too great a burden to bear.”