Being a mom at 19 was terrifying, how was I going to give a baby what they needed when I was just a teenager myself. I would find out years later that all she needed was me to love her, protect her and teach her.
Loving her was easy. Being 18 and finding out your pregnant was honestly a bit devastating. I had so much I wanted to do; I wasn’t even sure what those things were yet. I had been having huge doubts about her dad and I, I had tried to leave the relationship. So, you can imagine the day I found out I was pregnant again was heavy… it felt like my whole life was just planned out by peeing on a stick. Again, you caught that, yes again, I had lost a baby a couple months before at 11 weeks. This baby was going to be my rainbow baby. I remember sitting staring at the results, I was alone, her dad was in the field on a training course, I sat and cried for quite a while. The thoughts of joy and fear and even a little resentment. The joy because there was a life inside me… fear because I was 18 and had just lost a baby…. resentment because I knew that my dreams stopped there. The resentment was not towards the life growing inside me, it was towards him, her dad. I was not ready but this baby was coming. As the months went on and my belly grew my love grew. The more she grew the meaner her dad had become and the more I knew I was going to have to protect this baby from pain. She was not even born yet and I knew she was going to experience pain. It was just her and I the next couple of months, sure her dad was around but he would be doing his normal work, drink, and whatever activities he enjoyed and took very little interest in this life growing inside me. Of course, unless someone was around, then he would put on his best game face. He would complain about the money that needed to be spent on her, make me feel awful for even asking for her basic needs. But I kept pushing forward, I didn’t ask for help because I knew the back lash I would receive. I prepared the room for my sweet baby, washed all the clothes, lined all the diapers perfectly in their little baskets, boiled all the pacifiers, wrote in her baby book… but I was alone…sitting often in her rocking chair talking to her, apologizing and promising I would do my best. My mom must have known this and she sold everything she had and moved herself and my little sister to Texas to help me. I was so thrilled to have my mom, but in time that proved to be more happiness that would be taken from me. He was not happy with them living there, he was mean to them, yelled at them, made my mother cry… I grew more and more hate for him. But in spite of that I kept moving forward. It was time for her, the one I would give the name Tiallie to show herself to the world… I was not ready for this. I could protect her better in my womb. There was no kiss of encouragement on the forehead, there were no words to get me through, no hand on my back… just pain on many levels and a deep feeling of loneliness. Everything I had always wanted was thrown at my feet for everyone to step on and my heart has never recovered since. But she was coming and she needed me. That day she was born I looked in her tired glossed over eyes and promised I would always protect her. The years to follow would prove that the promise I made would be challenged time and time again…
Coming from a broken family I was determined to try and give my kids better. I would sacrifice my happiness for them, I thought that was the right thing to do. I stayed with her dad trying to let her have a dad that was present. He went away to Iraq for over a year when she was 4 months old. I felt relief. It was really just her and I and we did great! The anxiety I lived everyday was gone. I was able to think and feel without being restricted or broken down. It was the start of breaking away for me. Of course, I couldn’t do that while he was gone, good lord people would have scorned me for life, leaving your husband while he was in a war zone!! So, I continued forward, I regret that greatly now. When he returned it was worse than ever, he was amplified. He drank very heavily, he was hateful, and destructive in every way. His hurtful words turned in to violent hands. That promise of protecting my sweet baby was more relevant then I had ever imagined. He said I would never hurt her, but every time he screamed at me, hit me, spit on my face, he hurt her. He was not reserved in when he would do these things so she would be watching, seeing her momma crying for him to stop, begging him just to leave so they could have some peace. But like an animal in rage he wouldn’t until he was exhausted. Then he would go away, go lie down and just leave us alone. Alone to cry together, alone for me to ease my scared baby, alone for us to grow scares on our hearts and for me to lose strength a little bit at a time. Surrendering to that way of life, tip toeing around everything as to not wake the bear. Praying everyday for a better day. This time in life was hard for me, I had lost all hope, strength and the will to get away. He had broken me down put me in a place where I had become numb, unable to get out, convinced I deserved what I was getting. I only had strength to take care of my baby and even that I felt I was failing at. Every time going to her room after one of his “episodes” and pulling her out from under her bed or pulling the covers out from over her head revealing a scared girl, I would hold her and say to myself tomorrow is the day, you get out, you run. It was like he could hear me … the morning would come and he would cry and beg for me to stay, “don’t take his little girl away.” He would grab her up and squeeze her and cry and beg me not to leave. I would comply, not for him, but for her. She would be pulling and pushing away from him when he would do this and bawling her eyes out and I just wanted him to let her go… don’t give her anymore pain.
Teach her… normally you would be teaching your children how to read, write, play and not to talk to strangers. For Tiallie there was much more to learn, but come to find out what she taught me was far more profound. Tiallie and I grew together. I was her protector and she was my hope, she is what drove me forward every day. It was hard, some days I thought of giving up, I felt like I was failing constantly. But that little human kept reminding me of my purpose. Kept reminding me that I was responsible for her future. So, I decided that I would teach her to be kind despite others actions, to forgive when it is needed, to be strong, and always, always show love.
This year that little girl is turning 17. She has a beautiful heart, she is strong, and smart. We have had some rough years after I left her dad (we will leave that for another blog), she has had some rough years dealing with depression, anxiety and self-worth. But we are working everyday on these things. She is at the age I was when I married her dad and I will not let her travel that same path. She deserves better, she has always deserved better. I am grateful that I was gifted her to teach me the greatest lessons of all. They always say that a rainbow comes after the storm, but that baby was my rainbow through the storm.